


Not A Freak

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec)



Series: #QuarantinedPride2k20 [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Sam Winchester, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Inspired By Tumblr, Other, Self-Discovery, enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24603205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas
Summary: Sam brings home no one, and blames it on the trauma of losing his girlfriend.
Relationships: Gabriel & Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester - Relationship
Series: #QuarantinedPride2k20 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1770427
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56





	Not A Freak

Sam is 18. His brother is 22. His father is… old, and a douchebag.

He might be broken.

He has read a thousand articles, a million definitions, tried so many ways to make it go away, to make it different. But he just… doesn’t want to have sex.

It’s hard. And awful.

He tries. He takes home four girls in the span of one week and never gets past second base. No fault of theirs. He just… doesn’t _feel_ it.

Sam is 18, and he might be broken.

~~

Sam is 24, and he’s on the road with his brother again.

He missed Dean. He admits it, at least to himself. It was hard to be so far away for so long, to force himself not to contact his brother. It’s not something that either of them ever did well with. Separation. Sam had never liked being home alone as a kid. As an adult, he likes it less.

Dean picks chicks up left and right, every new town they visit. Usually at least two girls before they leave, especially if they stay longer than a week.

Sam brings home no one, and blames it on the trauma of losing his girlfriend.

(A girlfriend he talked to about this, a girlfriend who had understood. A girlfriend he never had sex with, because she was never bothered by the idea that he might not be attracted to her in that way.)

Sam is alone. He convinces himself he’s happier that way.

~~

Sam is 27, and he’s forcing himself to face reality.

He might be broken. He might also be asexual.

It’s not a reality he wants to face, not when his brother is the type of guy to hold a firm belief that ‘sex makes us human’.

Because then there’s Sam… Sam, who has spent his whole life feeling othered, who has been weirdo and loser and freak, who was made this way by the demon blood, who might _not_ be wholly human.

He doesn’t like it.

He doesn’t like thinking that he might be this way not because he was born this way, but rather because he was _made_ this way, because Azazel forced him to be like this. He doesn’t like the idea that maybe, with every drop he ingests to get more powerful, to potentially ice the devil, he makes it worse.

Because if he wasn’t born like this, he might not be a real asexual. If he wasn’t born like this, maybe he can change it.

But he can’t change it if he accidentally makes it permanent.

So he agonizes.

~~

Sam is 34. He lives in a Bunker with two angels and his brother. He’s abstained for almost a decade.

When an archangel comes to him and says, “I want to spend the night with you, Sammich,” Sam’s heart sinks into the floor.

“Gabriel,” he whispers. “I don’t do sex. I’ve been in love with you for years, but I can’t do sex.”

Gabriel – instead of cracking like Sam feared he would – lights up instead. “You love me?”

Sam nods. “Of course I do,” he murmurs. “I wouldn’t lie about that.”

“Can I still kiss you, though?” Gabriel asks nervously. Sam smiles and pulls him down into a deep kiss.

~~

“So you’re asexual?” Gabriel asks that night, when they’re lying together, naked, having done nothing more egregious than cuddling for hours.

Sam flushes and shrugs. “I think so,” he whispers. “But I’m not… I don’t know. I feel like I’m lying.”

Gabriel shakes his head. “You’re never lying about your identity. Not unless you’re doing it on purpose, which you wouldn’t do, because you’re not a shit like that.”

Sam snorts. “But what if—”

“No, Sam,” Gabe says gently, stroking his hair. “You are asexual. You are real. And I love you anyway. Hell, I love you _because_ of it. It’s just another beautiful thing about you that I get to see.”

Sam buries his face in Gabriel’s chest and sobs from the relief that gives him.


End file.
